ten commande(wo)ments of jill

1. text a girl back. If one of your friends texts you, text them back within a few hours. Really, it won't kill you.

2. stop comparing yourself. You're not a gigantic freak.  You would never to speak to someone else the way you speak to yourself.  Why is it okay to be cruel to your number one?

3. wear a helmet. Head injuries don't look good on anyone.  I refuse to bow to what's somehow cool or whatever.  I make my own cool.

4. read books. Making a funny joke like "omg I like totally don't read" makes you look less than intellectual.  Sorry!  Get a read on.

5. give compliments when they're due. And receive them graciously.  Turning down a compliment just insults the giver's taste and forces them to awkwardly insist on it.

6. don't preach. I know you're all about your new diet, but I really don't care to hear about it, and I almost certainly don't want to try it.

7. don't ask others to preach. As in, don't harass vegetarians about their reasons for not eating meat and don't get all up in people's grills about the significance of their tattoos.  Sure, ask, but don't challenge them on their reasons.

8. chill the fuck out. Chances are whatever you're worried about right now DOES NOT MATTER.  Big picture, everyone.

9. don't insult my friends to me. I'm not going to talk shit about my girls, so don't try to get me to.  Also, if I invited him to my party, that means I like him.

10. be who you are. I am ferocious. Who are you?

birthdaze

There's really nothing better than a birthday party.  I had one last night.

Let's talk endless ciders, koala pinatas named edgar, piano serenades, talking to boiz, everyone I like, morning after mad mango, neighbours who are super down, popping champagne like we won a championship game, meeting new people, getting cray!z, beautiful birthday cards, 8tracks and grooveshark my life away, dubstep cuz it's my birthday and I get what I want, yard time, going to bed long before the party's over, waking up to all your friends in your living room, touching everyone on the arm because I flirt with the world, rapping, propositioning, and being happy 24/7.

(I do give a fuck about an oxford comma.)

this was taken at my party

honesty is not the best policy

No, I'm not a crowd favourite, but I'll never be a crowd hatred either.  I'm extremely unpolarizing, the type that everyone keeps in the middle of their feelings, making no one crazy in a good way or in a bad way, either.  I'm a pretty wallflower wallpaper to the side noticeably unnoticeable and inoffensively unusual.

I'm the girl at the party that you caught up with but could never quite catch up to.  I'm not sure that you wanted to, anyways.  I'm the girl on the bike who is never quite here and can't wait to be there and I don't know where any of those places are anyways.  You maybe noticed me and noticed my normal abnormality, my average tallness and my once in a while hair.  I'm somewhere in the haze of your memory, not the shiny girl in the middle and not there in the dull outside either.

'It's complicated when you gravitate towards yourself, but that fact is that I've never needed anyone else.'  I keep myself on fire with a series of conversations and rhymes and non-stop talk.  I'm not alone enough to be a loner, not interesting enough to be one, either.  I'm the only person I understand and I think I only understand maybe the sparksnotes version of me, anyways.  I know there's a lot of universe here inside my ribcage and skull and some of it twinkles and winks and some of it is just vast and dark and sometimes cold and scary.

I really have no idea where I'm going, most of the time.

hit the sauce shoot your boss

Yo what does everyone give but no one want?  ADVICE, DUH.  Sometimes I resent advice, just like all of us.  It feels condescending sometimes, no?  Unsolicited advice can be super untrill*.  On the other hand, sometimes advice is like woah.  Just what you needed to hear, yah?  Or what you kinda knew but really didn't want to admit to yourself.  Let's talk about this.

Moms are the captains of unsolicited advice.  Sometimes they're spot on.  I know mine is sometimes.  A few years ago, my older bro (the queen of responsibility / stay tuned for an olympics post soon!) said to me "You know, Jill, Mom is basically always right."  And shit it's true!  You all want to stay away from my mom because she's right a lot and if you don't think she's right she gets pretty mad.  Soooo anyways.  My mom gives lots of advice and it's usually pretty good, is what I'm saying.

"I don't want you liking any boys until you actually like Jillian Dean."

"You're a redhead.  You don't get to treat your skin like your Italian friends and think it's all the same."

"I don't think you should eat that."

And that was just dinner tonight!  Man.  Preach, lady.  My grandma is often full of advice, too.  She raised four popular kids so she's pretty street smart and knows how to party herself, too.  We spend a lot of time together, so she has lots of opportunities to lay 'em down on me.

"Drinking is a wonderful thing as long as you keep an eye on it."

"You know, your grandfather always used to say that you should never speed through a small town and I believe that, too."

"And as they say, UVic IS cheaper, but you would have been happy either way."

I appreciate hearing these things.  Sometimes advice really is someone else presenting THEIR opinions on YOUR shit, kind of as a way to control your life or pass judgement or something.  Other times though?  It's just older semi-wiser people passing on their own lessons.  Shit they learned along the road to oldness. Or medium-oldness (sorry mom).  I say take all the advice you can, put it in a giant pot and mash it around until something good comes out of it.  Or.  That's what I would do, anyways. 

someone just told him he should really consider veganism

*Trill is a new word I just learned cuz I'm really hip.  True and Real had a baby.  I just made untrill up, but it works, right?

their new hit single

As those of you that know me personally will know, I'm in a girl band. The band is 50% a joke and 50% deadly serious. We're somewhat hindered by the fact that most of us don't play any instruments, but I've always thought any good band needs at LEAST three hype girls anyways. Also, we're rising above obstacles/defeating the odds etc etc. I plan to get at least three scholarship application essays out of this. Anyways, the girls have allowed me to stay in the band despite my lack of any musical skills whatsoever in exchange for some rhymes. They've asked for a mix of serious and silly songs, but as it turns out I can only write highly embarrassing and aggressive raps. Soooo

Bite Me - Mean Vagina Bites

 Bite me bite me you just wanna fight me
 Eat the last french fry, do it just to spite me
 Bite me bite me you just wanna fight me
 Date my ex boyfriend, do it just to spite me

 Let's count numbers one through nine
 Let's count ladies damn we're fine
 Rock girls and guitar Robyn's an all star
 Tattoos and keyboard Nicole's going far
 Jesi been hypin since 89
Jenna and Jill are mine all mine
Sasha's singing, line on line
Let's count numbers one through nine
Let's count ladies damn we're fine

 Bite me bite me you just wanna fight me
Stealing five hundy and you do it just to spite me
Bite me bite me you just wanna fight me
 Copying my steez and you do it just to spite me

 We don't cower and we don't shake
 Real ass bitches this shit ain't fake
Mean v. bites like chomp chomp chomp
 Bitches don't tiptoe stomp stomp stomp
Doing' our thing like wake and bake
 Lookin like goddesses on the lake
Mean v. Bites like chomp chomp chomp
 Don't know how to tiptoe stomp stomp stomp

Sweet like honey when we wanna bee
Stinging like wasps when we all on key
Kiss you on the cheek it's like a first date
Slap you in the face it's like oh wait
Mean v. Bites are doin their thang
Rocking this beat like bang bang bang
Wanna get with us better show your fangs
Sinking in teeth like a bat that hangs
 Shaking our bootys like hwang-a-tang-tang

 Bite me bite me you just wanna fight me
 You're backing down now, you're doing it just to spite me
 Bite me bite me you just wanna fight me
 Turned tail and ran and you did it just to spite me.

we're big in japan

Party Girl Politics pt. 1

Look, I know 99% of this blog's content is vapid and self-absorbed. I'm not writing to gain a following or seem cool or smart. Today though I'm going to take a break from lists of my favorite sparkle nail polishes and analyses of my friends' love lives and liven y'all up with some politics.

Okay, here's the deal. I know most of my readers aren't real big on politics. I do follow what's going on though and I think it's important that everyone has at least some kind of an idea of the travesty we're currently calling our national government.  Please don't click away now!  I promise I'll keep it digestible (like a cookie, amiright) and you'll come away so smart and ready for your next cocktail party and/or protest rally.

I'm going to discuss a couple of key points about our government that I find especially appalling.  Everyone needs to know about these things, not just us kids especially into the news.  These things effect all of us.  Before we start, though: Party in power: the Conservatives.  Prime Minister: Stephen Harper.

1.  Bill C-38 was recently passed.  Don't yawn yet!  Let me explain.  This bill introduces sweeping changes to many aspects of Canadian life - it's one of the biggest bills evah, containing a bunch of changes within one big thing.  Some of the worst of them include:
        a. Shutting down the National Roundtable on the Economy and the Environment.
        b. Exempting oil pipelines from special laws to protect our waters.  Oil companies > Seals
        c. Fish habitat regulations have been changed, likely to devastating consequences.  Who needs fish anyways?  They smell weird! 
        d. the CBC budget was cut by 10%, which breaks my fucking heart.  I am actually producing tears, indicative of real human emotions.  Oh wait, Stephen Harper doesn't know what those are.  As a guest on Q said the other week, "National radio is a national conversation.  To not believe in a national conversation is to not believe in a nation."  Christ.
       e. The only study on Canadian water usage has been eliminated, and the budget for monitoring discharge from mines and pulp mills has been slashed by 20%.

2. Harper's government keeps a list of non-Conservative supporters.  What?  They're monitoring our political preferences?  Yep.  No doubt my name is on a list somewhere with a frown next to it, and this blog post ain't gonna help.  What does this mean for me?  Who knows?  Maybe it'll be harder for me to get that embassy job down the road.  Maybe I'll have more trouble getting through customs.  Maybe my passport will take twice as long to get back to me as it should when I get it renewed.  Yeah, I could be scared about this, but all I know if the last FUCKING thing I would EVER do is keep quiet because I'm scared of the government.  I believe in what I believe in, Harper, and I sure as fuck don't believe in you.  Come at me, bro.

3. During the last federal election, non-Conservative supporters in several ridings across Canada received phone calls letting them know their polling stations had changed.  In most cases, would-be voters were told they'd have to vote somewhere much farther off and more inconvenient.  No surprise, when these individuals showed up at the purported polling stations, they didn't exist.  Yes, someone was calling non-Conservatives to trick them out of casting their votes.  Yes, the calls were shown to be originating out of Conservative offices.  What the fuck?  That's actual cheating!  We are not five and national politics are not monopoly!  Cheating is just not okay!  But don't worry, Elections Canada will investigate.  Oh, except bill C-38 just cut their funding, too.

4. The government's new tough-on-crime bill is pretty suspicious, too.  Crime rates in Canada are at their lowest level since 1970, and yet the government has just passed legislation meant to 'get tough on crime.'  Let's talk about this.  Our jails are full.  Crime is low.  Who exactly are we aiming to punish?  Yeah, let's throw more small-time marijuana dealers in the clink.  That'll show them!  In effect, this is just political grandstanding.  It looks good for Stephen Harper to say things like "We're imposing tougher sentences on violent criminals."  It just doesn't make any actual sense, not that our current government is concerned with that.

4. Stephen Harper does not look good naked.  We all know that's very important in a political leader.

 5. There is so. much. more. This got long fast though so I'll be back!  Watch for party girl politics part 2, people.