all the times I've felt like I was in a movie

How about every time I lean my head against the passenger-side window while someone else drives without speaking and just the right song is playing and rain drips against the glass and I look at the trees and buildings and people sliding by outside?

One time my first boyfriend wrote me a song and sang it to me in front of a large audience at church camp.

Sometimes at night when I'm cycling and there's no one on the road I ride right down the middle with both my arms in the air and I go as fast as I can.

Sitting side by side on the mountainside at night, watching the meteor shower and pretending to be a couple from another decade, from a long time ago.

I think of sitting at Bon Iver in tears, best friend by best friend by best friend holding sparklers to the sky.

hackstory

The first one asked me out over MSN. I was fourteen, he was thirteen. A month later I was sure I was in love.  He wrote me poems and songs and brought me flowers he picked from gardens along his paper route. Three years later, I broke his heart.

The next one started as a destructive crush on a close friend. We finally ended up dating for a few weeks, and I learned for the first time that friends shouldn't date friends. He dropped out of school, I pined.

The third arrived in my life in the first year of university.  We were culture vultures holding hands and twins in skinny jeans and v-necks.  We giggled for four months, smiled for two, and frowned for two more. We got sick of each other, we broke up. We're best friends.

I loved number four. The only one I have, maybe. We spent almost three years dreaming and planning and laughing until one day we woke up and realized neither of us was making any space in our dreams for the other.  We broke up and promised to stay close.  We still don't talk.

"Rule number one is that you're not allowed to fall in love with me." The fifth started as a summer fling. The fifth has never been good at following rules.  We now speak only in long eloquent drunk texts.  We seem to agree that staying away from each other is better.

The sixth didn't call when he should have. Maybe because I called when I shouldn't have. Four dates in the first week and I was hopped up on like. Four dates in the first week and he was backpedalling. He's smart, he checks all my boxes. I tell myself that sometimes he looks funny in pictures. Little things take the sting out of rejection.

There've been others, 6.2, 6.5.  Boys and men I knew for a night, for three days.  One that left a love letter on my stoop, a few others I never called back, an Australian that opened our conversation by asking if I planned to take his last name when we married.  I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to number seven, or if I want to keep wallowing in the decimal points for a while longer.

Love and relationships are a curious thing.  I'm a fighter, if anything, and I haven't found anyone to fight for just yet. I don't believe in soul mates and I don't believe in finality.  Let me know if you find a bright and angry red-head, someone with two masters degrees and endless ideas, someone that has never stopped reading. My door might just be open.

what I thought about today

I believe in beautiful lunches and simple dinners.

My mom doesn't understand dip-dye.  Or dip-bleach, for that matter.

You're the only person who thinks you're quite that ugly.  Everyone else barely thinks about you at all.

I am terrified of getting older. 

I was indignant.  I prefer text to speech.  I prefer for pictures to line up.  I prefer you'd call when you said you would.  I'd prefer you didn't not tell me.  I'd prefer distance.

What do you think Scarlet Johansson eats?  Whatever she eats is what I want to eat, too.

looking at pictures of people who aren't in love with me

dat demon

Sleep paralysis is possibly the worst thing ever.  It's a state somewhere between sleeping and waking, where half of your brain is awake and the other half is asleep.  It's fairly common, with about 6% of the population experiencing some form of sleep paralysis at some time in their life.  It's a well-documented and scientifically studied neuropathological condition, with the majority of sufferers reporting weirdly identical experiences.

The semi-dreams one has during sleep paralysis are usually terrifying. As you might gather from the name, one is paralyzed and incapable of screaming during sleep paralysis. Your body locks all that shit down while you sleep so you don't hurt yourself, which is why we don't physically act out all of our dreams.  That system breaks down sometimes, which is why we have sleep-walking and talking in our sleep and so on.  During sleep paralysis, it's kind of the opposite.  You know you're dreaming and you can tell you're lying in your bed, but there's always another element, too.

When I was young and before I realized that sleep paralysis was a thing, I thought I was haunted by a ghost that came to sit on my chest and fill my mind with an overwhelming and crushing sense of evil. I remember a dull roar in my ears, footsteps around my bed, and absolute dread.  Screaming is impossible and you're frozen in place. I did and do always fight to get out of it, fight to wake myself up, but it's nearly impossible. When it finally breaks, it's like surviving a near-drowning. Gasping for air, blinking in the moonlight streaming in my windows, feeling the goosebumps on my arms.

It usually comes when I'm absolutely exhausted.  Last night, I slipped out of real sleep and into sleep paralysis for the first time in a month or two. The funny thing is that even thought I'm lying there knowing what's happening and knowing it's not real, I'm still terrified.  Last night, I thought there was a rapist standing in my room.  I could hear him breathing, I could hear him laughing maniacally under his breath.  I felt the blankets being pulled away and someone grabbing my legs.  Trying to wake yourself up is like trying to break through a thick and inpenetrable fog.  Sometimes you feel it thinning and think you're almost there, but then it closes around you again.  These days I just try to stay calm and wait it out.

I'm lucky that last night I only had one.  I don't get them so often anymore, usually only every few months, but if I have one episode in a night I'll usually have two or three.

So have you ever had sleep paralysis? Laid in bed unable to move while listening to someone whisper your name in your ear and feel your bed being rocked back and forth? Felt evil crush into your mind? Tried to fight it by thinking of happy things, only to feel it press all the harder as if it's angry?  You're not alone, and it's not real.  It's not real, it's not real, it's not real.  Maybe if you repeat that to yourself often enough you'll be able to convince yourself next time it happens.

"I'm just crying because I will just never, in my life, be Beyonce."

 

just kidding this isn't beyonce but you should just watch it over and over and over again

falling orders

Pronounce it espresso, not expresso.  Be nice to everyone in the service industry.  Not just polite, but warm.  Fake it if you need to.

Be good to people.

Watch movies with your parents sometimes.  Know that one day you'll want your kids to watch movies with you.  Put those kids in sports but also in art and music.  Don't tell anyone else how to raise their kids.

Invest in good quality.  Vote with your wallet.  Buy local, buy made in Canada, buy real food and well-made clothing and shoes and furniture.

Love your family, if you can.  I'm lucky.

Do the dishes and sweep the floor.

Always look your best.  Perfect sunglasses in the summer and a well-fitted coat in the winter can do wonders for an otherwise boring outfit and unmade up face.  If you're lucky, you get to wear a coat and sunglasses.

Are you over the age of twenty?  Quit drinking sourpuss and quit drinking malibu.  Figure out what you order when you go to the bar and stick with it.  Think of something simple.  Gin and tonic. Rye and ginger.  Snakebite.  Simple is always sophisticated. 

Don't listen to anyone you don't believe in.  Hate what you hate and love what you love.  You're the only one who gets a say in you.

Question everything.

nine-year-old jill goes on a trip

 Dear Diary,
guess what? We're on our way to Vancouver! I'm soooo exciting. We're not very far yet, we're only at the apple store. It's a 5 hour drive to vancouver. We're staying at bruce and Julies. They have a kid whos about spencers age named Celine. We're going on tuesday (Which is today) and coming back on thursday. Too bad dad couldn't come. I've got this word stuck in my head, pooc that's co-op backward. We just got apples and I can smell them so I'm gonna get one. Good apples! I just went Sorry I didn't finish.  It's now the day after! We're on our way to a museum! It's a museum of anthropology. That was fun! There was some magnificent specimens of moss there. I found a nice rock as a souvenir. Actually I found 3 but the other 2 I found nice places for them. No offence but I wonder what a strip mall is? Probably a place where people can shop naked (gross!) We're on our way to granvel island. I would write down what we're passing but then I'd be writing nonstop. Gotta go!  I bought an archie comic and 2 other things; a frog bead and a book on prince William. It's about 4 inches long, 2 widie.  William spent 25 dollars! We're back in Kelowna now. We took Celine to her grandmas who lives in Kelowna. Nathalie's in Vancouver and Savannas in Cuba, So I have nothing to do. I want a cell phone so much, or at least Dad or mom to get one.  Since I've been updating you in vancouver there isn't much to tell you, but there's still some. We went to grandmas on the way home. We ate alot of peppermints on the way home, I must have had about fifty. Oh aiden I miss her soooooo much. She was a friend of mine in grade one but she moved to Vancouver. She was so nice.

Bye

I wanna climb into your beard and cuddle there forever

if it's hungry, it's hungry

My own little j.pony just did a post on things that aren't socially acceptable.  One of the highlights of her list is her predilection for accidentally friend-requesting the most awkward people possible.  How do you even DO that?

Here are mine.  It's not socially acceptable to:

1. Get really, really, genuinely angry with your best friend (the aforemention jesi pony) when she fails to buy you late night pizza, as discussed.  Storming off because of her pizzalessness is also unacceptable.  Dunnenzies, though, that shit is incredible.

2. Drink yesterday's coffee on a regular basis.

3. Forget deoderant 75% of the time.  I carry a stash in my backpack, lucky for my yoga class.

4. Glare at people like it's your job.  "Oh, you know Jill Dean?  Is she just like... not nice at all?"  Apparently I need to turn that frown upside down.

5. Rap out loud to yourself as you ride your bike.  You can't quite tell if the beat works if it's just in your head, okay?

you have seen this, right?

the hotttest day in the world

It's Kelowna and it is incredibly hot.  What better use for a day like this than a list, right?!  I haven't done a list post in a while so here are JILLIAN'S SUMMER RECOMMENDATIONS

1. Listen to Robyn.  I'm having this serious electro house/dubstep phase and it's nice when I find something that both myself and my friends can be into.  Just electric enough and just poppy enough.  I'm also STILL playing Doomsday on repeat, because I'm so 2011.  Nero is playing in Kelowna tonight at a stupid festival and I'm bummed to be missing it but not bummed to be missing out on crowds of Albertans in fake tans and mirrored sunglasses.

2. Draw tattoos on yourself.  Ugh I'm sorry family, I think finger tattoos are so great.  Don't worry, I won't do it, but tempting right?

3. Bike around in a skirt, scandalize the world.

4. Don't be hungover for a change.  I got up this morning and went to yoga and it was beautiful.  I fricking love yoga and I just want to give a little shout out to Oranj.  I've been to a lot of different studios and nobody but nobody does it better than Sheila and her crew.

5. Make chocolate milk!  Secret that's not a secret at all: I am a chocolate milk crazy.  I think it might be my number one treat.  Duh chocolate milk powders and syrups and pre-mades are gross and full of sugar and god knows what else.  (You know I'm a food snob, right?) I felt really clever the other day for inventing cocoa powder+maple syrup+milk (all organic, duh) until I realized that people have been making hot chocolate the same way for like, ever.  Whatever, I'm still pleased I can have my favourite cold drink (mostly) guilt-free.

6. Stay balanced!  Whenever you falter just take a second to re-adjust.  You are who you are who you are.  Who cares if today's not perfect?  Tomorrow WILL be!

7. Remember who your friends are.  There's a 98.7% chance they can get you through anything.

this one time in asia

Okay I know most of you are sick of Asia stories, but this is a good one!  And it's actually a very short video.  Jessica and I stayed on a tiny island that is populated by strange little cats.  No dogs are allowed on the island, so the strange little cats are super happy rulers of the place.  The cat that lived at our guesthouse had ten day old kittens.  How could we resist?

Eeeeh!  Also, the man that owned this place brought us banana pancakes and coffee every morning.  Also, one day we got up and there was a floral arrangement and a love letter on our balcony.  This place ruled.

a bitch named rob

Writing raps is really fun for me.  Bored on my bike, weeding the garden at work, lying in bed at night.  Any time my mind is quiet, rhymes are a great distraction.  This was all awesome until I decided it would be a really good idea to use garage band to record one.  I had the best time mixing loops and putting in effects and grooving to the lyric-less sound.  Hm, that's where the fun ended.

Look, as hopefully most of you know, I have literally no rap aspirations.  I think it's funny to write rhymes and it keeps me safe when I'm in danger of boredom, but I'm absolutely terrible at the actual delivery.  However, I thought maybe it wouldn't sound too bad?  Maybe?

This is not true.  Firstly, I had to turn the beat off while I recorded so it wouldn't be audible in my vocal track.  That presented a serious challenge for the very unmusical person I am.  I'm supposed to keep to the beat that I can't hear?  Secondly, oh shit I sounded so bad.  Oh my god.  After spending an hour trying to figure out how to use garage band and mix loops, I abandoned my project.

I'm sad.  It was a song about my friend Robyn, a beautiful nurse girl who sassed me for not including a rap on the CD I made her for her birthday.  It was going to be a beautiful belated gift!  Maybe one day someone will teach me how to rap, but in the meantime, here's a link to attempt and the lyrics.

http://soundcloud.com/wintertails/abitchnamedrob

 

Wearin’ scrubs, smokin’ rub

Getting’ dirty in da tub

Rub a dub dub or in the club

Girl’s got bass goin’ sub sub sub sub

What’s up what’s down

This girl knows her way around

It’s impossible bitch ain’t stoppable

Runnin’ the shit out o’ that hospital

Patients fever oh girl leave her

She’s so hot I don’t believe her!

Flaws are none to speak of

Lemme have a peek, love

Cuz bitch gotta body like oh wow

And bitch got curves like get low

Pumpin’ blood out on the job

Meet my friend, a bitch named rob.