rule # 1.

There is no advice more overplayed and boring that "just be yourself!"  We've all heard it so many times that it has ceased to mean anything.  Being yourself means advertising campaigns and punny t-shirts with bumblebees on them.  It's hard to get past that, but I think it's something to consider trying.

Oscar Wilde once said "be yourself; everyone else is taken."  Beyond the excellent semi-colon usage, there is so much in that statement.  Being someone else is as boring and trite as just bee yourself t-shirts.  There are so many people who think what you have is so cool.  You're probably a fucking weirdo, and I love it.  Look at me.  I'm almost six feet tall, I have a lot red hair, and I'm a man-repeller through and through.  Sometimes I get bummed about not being all cute and 5'6, you know?  But then think about it.  Think about how rad your friends are.  Think about how rad they actually are, not just how much you love them. They're probably weirdos too, and they'd be boring if they weren't.  Half the time you became friends with them in the first place after bonding over their boots or something.  (Okay, that's just me?)

Be who YOU fucking are.  Ten million people on the street want to be you!  Ten million people on the street just want you!  Think of how boring you'd be if you fit in.  Being boring is way, way, way worse trait than being weird or unique or whatever. 

So rock out to that Katy Perry song you secretly love.  Wear those harem pants.  Do a little run-dance along the greenway when you're pretty sure no one else is watching and the aforementioned Katy Perry song comes on.  Be weird and quiet if you're weird and quiet!  It's so cool to embrace whatever the fuck you are.  I love you and I am probably friends with you because of your sweet glasses and funny laugh, so never change.

and thank god for that.

trees.

Forget everything.  Sink forwards into your life.  Try to break through the slush and grime of the everyday.  Find tiny things beautiful, announce and repeat and wonder.

 Love what you love.

Forget everything.  Trail your fingertips through the water, let that heart of yours flicker light into your life.  Be good, be brave, be everything you need.

You are all you have.

Forget everything.  Never let anyone tell you who are.  Live your life in a morning, an afternoon, an early sunset.  Beam through silence, through grey and white, through rain.

Believe in moments.

a few of my favourite things.

Movember is my most favourite time of the year.  Shit, I love it.  All the boys have these gross hilarious beautiful little 'staches and it is amazing.  Movember, for the uninitiated (my mom) is the month where all boys grow mustaches, regardless of natural aptitude for mustache growing.  Theoretically it's in support of prostate cancer research, but I think most of them are just in it for an excuse to grow a really lovely and possibly quite scraggly 'stachey stache.

the classic, the one, the only.

 Have a hot movember, everyone!  Also, if you're one of those ladies (or dudes) who hates movember, well, it hates you, too.**




** So do I.

I love facemasks!

How often do you actually take the time to use a facemask?  Or have a bubble bath?  Or use a facemask and then take pictures of yourself?  Or have a bubble bath and use a bath bomb at the same time?!  BATH COCKTAIL.

It's November, which means pretty much everyone is sad.  EVERYONE IS SAD RIGHT NOW.  It is grey.  It is cold.  Cozy winter still feels far away, and pretty fall is behind us.  YOU ARE SAD AND I AM SAD.  I need a drink, but I don't feel like going downstairs for the splash of water I need for my scotch. 

I LOVE THEM THIS MUCH

Anyways, if you're in that kinda mood, I definitely recommend using some bath products.  Roll up to your local lush or body shop or whatever and stock up.  You will suddenly have crazy eyes in a happy way.  Happy crazy eyes.  AND THEN YOU WILL BE HAPPIER THAN PEOPLE USUALLY ARE IN NOVEMBER.

And then you will write a blog post with too many capitals and it will be kind of embarrassing and you'll publish it anyways.  Fuck november, right?

on my mind.

Have you ever just had one of those days where everything goes wrong?  Today was the day I finally admitted to myself that my ipod is lost, that I broke my phone, and that I realized the meaning of relationship economics. 

The ipod and phone are both replaceable, but spending money on them sucks.  My ipod disappeared off the kitchen counter, which is really depressing because it means someone coming through my house stole it or someone I live with put it away somewhere and forgot.  The phone flew out of my pocket and smashed on the run I was on to try to chill out about the lost ipod, so essentially karma hates me.    

Relationship economics, meanwhile, are both totally real and total bullshit.  This applies to friendships and romantic relations and families and whatever else.  There's always a balance of power, and it always swings in favour of whoever wants less.  Know what I mean?  If you're the one always texting to hang out, you're probably not in a position of power in the relationship.  While it's nice when someone wants to spend time with you, we all this fucked up human thing where we want someone less the more they want us, you know?  We've all been there, with friends or boyfriends or whatever.  If someone gets sticky and needy, it's gross and irritating.  If they stay just on the far side of perfect, though, we spend hours obsessing over it. 

 Also, my feet got really wet when I went to buy a new phone.  Fuck.

courtesy of hyperbole and a half, as usual.

things I want to tell you about.

1. When I am older, I am going to paint my old apartment or old house all white, and have beautiful wooden floors.  I am going to fill it with lots of old things made of wood and metal, some colourful things from the seventies, and lots of knit blankets.  There will also be antlers.

Like this but better!

2. Okay, boys.  I had a discussion with another lady and we realized something.  Girls really hate it when you only kind of ask them out.  Don't suggest going for coffee and then tell the girl to let you know when she's free!  Ask her to a specific place at a specific time!  If you're going to ask her on a date, ask her on date, you know!  None of this wishy-washy 'we should hang out sometime' shit.  Now you know!  Get your act together!  Exclamation mark!

Why yes, darling, of course I'd love to meet you for a drink at Swan's at 8.30 on Friday!

3. This is just general life advice, but be nice to people who work in stores and are on the other end of the phone at customer service or whatever.  I know most of you probably are already, but just in case.  That girl working at the Telus counter is probably making less money than you just to get yelled at all day.  She doesn't set the prices! 

4. Lastly, make whiskey cider on a chilly fall day!  Yum!

omg!

I love saturdays!

Tonight I went to a show in Victoria.  I got a drink rather too close to my intended departure time and had to drink it quite quickly.  Result? I was sobes the whole time I was out, but then I had a really great photo booth sesh with myself when I got home.  I also ate some apple pie and skyped with my beautiful friend of neverthreemuch.

WHEEEE

celebrities I am having nothing to do with based on their faces.

1. Carrie Underwood.  She has that classic high school bitch face.  You know she was popular, and you know she was boring about it. 

she's waiting for the right moment to talk shit about you.

2. Nicolas Cage.  Everyone who is anyone hates Nick Cage.  Hating Nicolas Cage is the new black.  I heard that everyone in every obscure band ever hates Nicolas Cage.

this man named his child kal-el.

3. Taylor Momsen.  This one might be kind of obscure to some of you, but she is really horrid.  She's like sixteen or something and is always being incredibly rude in interviews.  You think you're too good for TMZ, Momsen?!  She got fired from Gossip Girl, and that cannot be an easy task.

GROSS.

4. Kesha!  I just want to wash her face and tell her that whatever is happening with her look is actually not happening.  To pull off dirty-hot, you first need to be incredibly hot.  You can't pull of dirty-hot when you're only kind of pretty!  GIRL.  Pull yourself together!  (Also, I'm a real sucker for your music.  Kisses!)

Okay, y'all can see what I'm saying, right?

5. Okay.  Please don't try to fight me, but I really don't like Joseph Gordan-Levitt.  He just seems like such a smug little bastard.  I am taking a stand against the women of the world!  I disapprove!

I don't date boys!  Only men!  This is a boy!  Right!?

Okay so who do y'all have nothing to do with based on their faces?  Blog about it!  I'm looking at you, neverthreemuch.

Things that are really irritating.

You know?

1. When adults scoff at your life plans.

2. When the store attendants completely ignore you, even as you walk past them to try things on.  I literally spent ten minutes in Decade in Victoria today and I felt like I was intruding.  There were like five girls working and not ONE of them made eye contact with me the whole time.  That is terrible customer service, right there.

3. When the girl in front of you at Starbucks orders her latte skinny with extra whip.  That just doesn't make sense.  At all.

4. When people are trying so hard to be nice and accomodating that it's hard to actually hang out with them.  "So, where do you want to eat?"  "Anywhere, I'm like totally easy, you choose!"  This is when you know they have a place in mind!  Or this: "Can I get you something to eat? Or a drink?"  and they say no, even though they're actually dying of thirst.  Like OMG you're making me guess if you want something and that is so much more work than just getting you a glass of water!  Have some balls, people!

5. When you buy a ticket to a concert you're freaking so excited for, and you have to work at your shitty job instead.

this is the face I'm making right now.

happy sunday!

No words, just beards.

alphabets alphabets!

SO I'm reading Mindy Kaling's book 'Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?' and I really like it.  That being said, I have a tendency to subconsciously take on the stylings of a writer that I admire, especially one whose book engages in chatty stories about oneself.  Chatty stories about oneself are my specialty!  This is a bit of a problem as it ends with me writing stories in these weird stilted ways.  You should have seen the stories I was writing after I read David Sedaris.  Really embarrassing, is what I'm saying.  Anyways, if anything I'm writing sounds like a non-English speaker attempting witty repartee whilst drunk, I apologize.*

It's Saturday night.  I'm drinking Scotch by myself at the kitchen table while blogging and waiting for my yam and carrots fries to cook.  You might just call me popular, but then you'd be an outright liar.  Actually, I am very popular with many people in Kelowna, a few people in Norway, and at least one person in Minnesota.  These are real people that I know!  They even text me sometimes.

Anyways, this whole blog post / my whole life is basically an attempt to escape writing my personal statement for law school.  I need to write one in order to get into any school other than UVic.  I can be immensely stubborn, though, and I currently REFUSE to even look at what I need to write.  Can I distract you with some jazz hands?  I think that usually works on admissions officers.  ANYWAYS this blog post is about NOTHING so thanks for everything and that is all.

jazz hands jazz hands!

*If that's what I sound like all the time anyways, then I'm really really sorry, 

CAN YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M READING

It's really, really funny.  You should buy it now.

exact moments that are really really great.

1. You know when you've cold all day, and then you get into bed and your sheets are cold?  Well, that's not an exactly great moment, but it sets you up for one.  A couple of minutes later, you're lying there all burritoed in your blankets and suddenly you wiggle your toes around and realize that hey!  Your blankets are blissfully and delightfully cozy and warm!  Being warm after being cold for a long time is really nice.

2. When you catch a glimpse of yourself in a store window reflection or something when you're out and think "TODAY is my BITCH.  I am looking goooood!"

3. When you're three-quarters of the way through a really good book.

4. When you're the most flexible person in your yoga class.  When you really connect with the chakra or whatever in yoga.  Suddenly the air is made of gold, no? Seriously you should see my wheel.

5. When you suddenly remember your dream in the middle of the day and start giggling in the grocery store or whatever.  The other night I was Selena Gomez's body guard.  All she wanted to do was buy one million dollars worth of pillows at the UBC Bookstore.  You know, as you do.

6. When you get something for free.  When I was a punky wannabe skateboarder girl-kid someone gave me their old skate-shoes and I died and went to heaven.  I wore them with everything, including skirts and dresses.  It was like having big grey eS marshmallows on my feet at all times and I fucking LOVED it.

7. When you meet a really, really fluffy dog.

8. That moment when you pass 1500 views on your blog.  Thanks, guys!  (What's up, Russia!)

WHEEE