summer: I miss it.

Luckily for me, this is the year of summer.  I'm headed to Australia and South-East Asia in three weeks.  I'll be there for almost four months at the height of the Southern hemisphere's summer.  I'll be arriving home in mid-May to the beginning of a hopefully beamingly sunny Okanagan summer.  We head to Sasquatch in Washington about a week after we get home, into four days of sunshine and alcohol and dust and friendship.  I'm expecting a solid seven months of summer in 2012.  Lucky me, right?  Meet me Asia, friends!

A little bit of housekeeping: I will be updating this blog throughout our travels!  Check back for updates, funny stories, and maybe some photos of me and 1/3 of neverthreemuch in the back of some stranger's truck.  

what's your type?

One of the most interesting things about people is learning what their type is, you know?  Who do they always date?  How much stock do they place in things like height, hair colour, religion... whatever? 

I date pretty much exclusively tall redheads or redbeards, which is crazy.  I think all redheads have a thing where we seek each other out in order to continue the species.  EW right?!  All of you are like "...gingers... :("  Too bad for you.  I will date all of the tall redheaded men on your behalf.

What else do these boys need?  To be funny and to listen to CBC.  At least a passing interest in reading books.  A nice peacoat always helps, and the right shoes.  The shoes make it or break it, dudes.  A beard would be nice.  Oh, and please be exceptionally bright.  No big deal, right?  I just need someone tall with broad shoulders who is cultured and funny and smart.  Uhhh.

Somehow though, they keep turning up.  I was giving a pep talk to a friend of mine the other week after a sucky break-up left them feeling sort of unlovable.  The thing is, people keep turning up and falling in love with us, and we keep falling in love with them.  No matter what happens, someone else always comes along.  You are tremendously love-able, and there is always someone around the corner looking for someone just like you. 

A very wise girl once texted me this: "Two things that always arrive with time: busses and boys."  Good advice.  Someone that is precisely your type is waiting to meet you tomorrow, next week, or in a month.  I love you already, they will soon. 

hi call me.

drinking is a terrible idea

Here are all of the things alcohol can lead to if you're me:

1. Usually yoga.  I think this is because part of my brain just sort of drifts off quietly.  It's the part that says "hey jill, it's not really that cool to show off how flexible you are to your fellow party attendees. It's actually kinda lame."  Without this particular part of my brain, I think everyone wants to see my backbends.  This leads to all of the athletic people at the party trying to go from standing to wheel which is actually kind of dangerous?  Anyways, my back is pretty sore now.  Thanks, caesars.

2. Losing everything I've ever owned.  I don't know where my phone is, and I left my toothbrush and my favourite necklace somewhere too.  Why is this?  I lose everything in the first place, so adding alcohol to the mix just makes it worse.

3. Hangogres.  This is new for me!  I never used to get hangovers at all, and now every time I try to drink to excess I get a stompy hang-ogre in my head.  This means the next day is dedicated to naps, coffee, and baths.  What a waste!

4. Personal stories.  I feel like we all do this and it's a classic.  You realize in the morning that you made absolute best friends with that girl from work who got hired last week and now she knows about your deepest and dirtiest secrets.  WHY.  Why do we all do this?  I think it's cause we fundamentally like to talk about ourselves, and alcohol just makes it easier to do that.  Loose lips sink ships, people!

5. Candy, ew.

things I actually miss about kelowna.

1. Mad Mango. HELLO five dollar breakfast! Five dollar curry bowl!  Five dollar everything!  The best place for the morning after or the morning before or the lunch anytime.  I love it, I miss it. 

2. My parents, ew. 

3. All of my warm coats!  For some reason in my head Victoria was going to be a perpetual 15 degrees, never colder.  I am, as ever, stupid.  Punch me in the face!  Bring me my coats!

WARM ENOUGH EVEN IN EDMONTON

4. A car at my immediate disposal.  Okay, it's my mom's toyota camry but heck.  It's a reasonable car for a reasonable family.  Say that last sentence with some swagger.  One time we wrote a rap about it, it was awesome. 

5. MY GIRL-TEAM omgomg.  The funniest, partiest, smartest group of lipstick-wearing beard-loving bitches ever.  I miss them with the fire and emotive power of one thousand rihanna songs.

ew christmas!

Okay so usually I am a grinch queen.  One time I wrote a whole e-mail about how much I hate christmas and then I accidentally sent it to my whole group of friends rather than the intended grinch-friendly recipient.  Them bitches were not impressed.  This year?  I don't know if it's working in a retail store that's had christmas on the brain since October or being in Victoria which is adorable and decorated right now, but I am kind of excited for Christmas!?

Today I went to my favourite stationary store (The Papery, I'm obsessed) and bought so many lovely things to trick my gift-wrapping out with.  Gorgeous wrapping paper printed in the USA! Sticky vintage-y gift labels! Cards! Nice pens to write cards with!  My presents are verging on extremely over-wrapped and I am trying to resist adding any more details to them.  They need more ribbons, maybe!  Maybe I could cut seasonal shapes out of contrasting wrapping paper and tape them on!  Labels AND cards should be affixed!

I even listened to almost ten minutes of christmas music this evening voluntarily!  I put it on on purpose!  Usually christmas music is my very, very, very least favourite part of the season.  Anyways.  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!  I feel so jolly!  If anyone has any cures please send them my way.

look how pretty it is!

annoying things.

1. When songs are ruined for you by past relationships.  Sometimes songs are made so much better by what you did while listening to them!  This time, though, they just make you wince.  I feel like every boy that comes through my life steals a few songs from me (or in some cases, whole artists and tv shows). 

2. When you make a perfect lunch for work or travel mug of tea for the bus and then you leave it sitting on the kitchen counter.

3. When you realize you're kinda homesick for the exact things that made you want to leave your hometown in the first place.  Sometimes that safeness and sameness and predictability seems really nice.

4. When you eat too much cotton candy. 

5. When your roommates don't understand the concept of recycling.  Paper. Does not. Go. In the. Garbage.  There is a recycling bin right next to the garbage, even!  I put a sign on it!  Don't even get me started on composting.

6. Boys.  All of them.

7. When you suddenly realize half-way through the day that you hate what you're wearing.  And then you're stuck!  Is this just me?  Sometimes I let myself out of the house in the craziest shit.  When I first leave it kind of makes me giggle about how crazy I look and then reality slowly sets in.   

8. When your mom is right.  She always is.  It sucks.

rule # 1.

There is no advice more overplayed and boring that "just be yourself!"  We've all heard it so many times that it has ceased to mean anything.  Being yourself means advertising campaigns and punny t-shirts with bumblebees on them.  It's hard to get past that, but I think it's something to consider trying.

Oscar Wilde once said "be yourself; everyone else is taken."  Beyond the excellent semi-colon usage, there is so much in that statement.  Being someone else is as boring and trite as just bee yourself t-shirts.  There are so many people who think what you have is so cool.  You're probably a fucking weirdo, and I love it.  Look at me.  I'm almost six feet tall, I have a lot red hair, and I'm a man-repeller through and through.  Sometimes I get bummed about not being all cute and 5'6, you know?  But then think about it.  Think about how rad your friends are.  Think about how rad they actually are, not just how much you love them. They're probably weirdos too, and they'd be boring if they weren't.  Half the time you became friends with them in the first place after bonding over their boots or something.  (Okay, that's just me?)

Be who YOU fucking are.  Ten million people on the street want to be you!  Ten million people on the street just want you!  Think of how boring you'd be if you fit in.  Being boring is way, way, way worse trait than being weird or unique or whatever. 

So rock out to that Katy Perry song you secretly love.  Wear those harem pants.  Do a little run-dance along the greenway when you're pretty sure no one else is watching and the aforementioned Katy Perry song comes on.  Be weird and quiet if you're weird and quiet!  It's so cool to embrace whatever the fuck you are.  I love you and I am probably friends with you because of your sweet glasses and funny laugh, so never change.

and thank god for that.

trees.

Forget everything.  Sink forwards into your life.  Try to break through the slush and grime of the everyday.  Find tiny things beautiful, announce and repeat and wonder.

 Love what you love.

Forget everything.  Trail your fingertips through the water, let that heart of yours flicker light into your life.  Be good, be brave, be everything you need.

You are all you have.

Forget everything.  Never let anyone tell you who are.  Live your life in a morning, an afternoon, an early sunset.  Beam through silence, through grey and white, through rain.

Believe in moments.

a few of my favourite things.

Movember is my most favourite time of the year.  Shit, I love it.  All the boys have these gross hilarious beautiful little 'staches and it is amazing.  Movember, for the uninitiated (my mom) is the month where all boys grow mustaches, regardless of natural aptitude for mustache growing.  Theoretically it's in support of prostate cancer research, but I think most of them are just in it for an excuse to grow a really lovely and possibly quite scraggly 'stachey stache.

the classic, the one, the only.

 Have a hot movember, everyone!  Also, if you're one of those ladies (or dudes) who hates movember, well, it hates you, too.**




** So do I.

I love facemasks!

How often do you actually take the time to use a facemask?  Or have a bubble bath?  Or use a facemask and then take pictures of yourself?  Or have a bubble bath and use a bath bomb at the same time?!  BATH COCKTAIL.

It's November, which means pretty much everyone is sad.  EVERYONE IS SAD RIGHT NOW.  It is grey.  It is cold.  Cozy winter still feels far away, and pretty fall is behind us.  YOU ARE SAD AND I AM SAD.  I need a drink, but I don't feel like going downstairs for the splash of water I need for my scotch. 

I LOVE THEM THIS MUCH

Anyways, if you're in that kinda mood, I definitely recommend using some bath products.  Roll up to your local lush or body shop or whatever and stock up.  You will suddenly have crazy eyes in a happy way.  Happy crazy eyes.  AND THEN YOU WILL BE HAPPIER THAN PEOPLE USUALLY ARE IN NOVEMBER.

And then you will write a blog post with too many capitals and it will be kind of embarrassing and you'll publish it anyways.  Fuck november, right?

on my mind.

Have you ever just had one of those days where everything goes wrong?  Today was the day I finally admitted to myself that my ipod is lost, that I broke my phone, and that I realized the meaning of relationship economics. 

The ipod and phone are both replaceable, but spending money on them sucks.  My ipod disappeared off the kitchen counter, which is really depressing because it means someone coming through my house stole it or someone I live with put it away somewhere and forgot.  The phone flew out of my pocket and smashed on the run I was on to try to chill out about the lost ipod, so essentially karma hates me.    

Relationship economics, meanwhile, are both totally real and total bullshit.  This applies to friendships and romantic relations and families and whatever else.  There's always a balance of power, and it always swings in favour of whoever wants less.  Know what I mean?  If you're the one always texting to hang out, you're probably not in a position of power in the relationship.  While it's nice when someone wants to spend time with you, we all this fucked up human thing where we want someone less the more they want us, you know?  We've all been there, with friends or boyfriends or whatever.  If someone gets sticky and needy, it's gross and irritating.  If they stay just on the far side of perfect, though, we spend hours obsessing over it. 

 Also, my feet got really wet when I went to buy a new phone.  Fuck.

courtesy of hyperbole and a half, as usual.

things I want to tell you about.

1. When I am older, I am going to paint my old apartment or old house all white, and have beautiful wooden floors.  I am going to fill it with lots of old things made of wood and metal, some colourful things from the seventies, and lots of knit blankets.  There will also be antlers.

Like this but better!

2. Okay, boys.  I had a discussion with another lady and we realized something.  Girls really hate it when you only kind of ask them out.  Don't suggest going for coffee and then tell the girl to let you know when she's free!  Ask her to a specific place at a specific time!  If you're going to ask her on a date, ask her on date, you know!  None of this wishy-washy 'we should hang out sometime' shit.  Now you know!  Get your act together!  Exclamation mark!

Why yes, darling, of course I'd love to meet you for a drink at Swan's at 8.30 on Friday!

3. This is just general life advice, but be nice to people who work in stores and are on the other end of the phone at customer service or whatever.  I know most of you probably are already, but just in case.  That girl working at the Telus counter is probably making less money than you just to get yelled at all day.  She doesn't set the prices! 

4. Lastly, make whiskey cider on a chilly fall day!  Yum!

omg!

I love saturdays!

Tonight I went to a show in Victoria.  I got a drink rather too close to my intended departure time and had to drink it quite quickly.  Result? I was sobes the whole time I was out, but then I had a really great photo booth sesh with myself when I got home.  I also ate some apple pie and skyped with my beautiful friend of neverthreemuch.

WHEEEE

celebrities I am having nothing to do with based on their faces.

1. Carrie Underwood.  She has that classic high school bitch face.  You know she was popular, and you know she was boring about it. 

she's waiting for the right moment to talk shit about you.

2. Nicolas Cage.  Everyone who is anyone hates Nick Cage.  Hating Nicolas Cage is the new black.  I heard that everyone in every obscure band ever hates Nicolas Cage.

this man named his child kal-el.

3. Taylor Momsen.  This one might be kind of obscure to some of you, but she is really horrid.  She's like sixteen or something and is always being incredibly rude in interviews.  You think you're too good for TMZ, Momsen?!  She got fired from Gossip Girl, and that cannot be an easy task.

GROSS.

4. Kesha!  I just want to wash her face and tell her that whatever is happening with her look is actually not happening.  To pull off dirty-hot, you first need to be incredibly hot.  You can't pull of dirty-hot when you're only kind of pretty!  GIRL.  Pull yourself together!  (Also, I'm a real sucker for your music.  Kisses!)

Okay, y'all can see what I'm saying, right?

5. Okay.  Please don't try to fight me, but I really don't like Joseph Gordan-Levitt.  He just seems like such a smug little bastard.  I am taking a stand against the women of the world!  I disapprove!

I don't date boys!  Only men!  This is a boy!  Right!?

Okay so who do y'all have nothing to do with based on their faces?  Blog about it!  I'm looking at you, neverthreemuch.

Things that are really irritating.

You know?

1. When adults scoff at your life plans.

2. When the store attendants completely ignore you, even as you walk past them to try things on.  I literally spent ten minutes in Decade in Victoria today and I felt like I was intruding.  There were like five girls working and not ONE of them made eye contact with me the whole time.  That is terrible customer service, right there.

3. When the girl in front of you at Starbucks orders her latte skinny with extra whip.  That just doesn't make sense.  At all.

4. When people are trying so hard to be nice and accomodating that it's hard to actually hang out with them.  "So, where do you want to eat?"  "Anywhere, I'm like totally easy, you choose!"  This is when you know they have a place in mind!  Or this: "Can I get you something to eat? Or a drink?"  and they say no, even though they're actually dying of thirst.  Like OMG you're making me guess if you want something and that is so much more work than just getting you a glass of water!  Have some balls, people!

5. When you buy a ticket to a concert you're freaking so excited for, and you have to work at your shitty job instead.

this is the face I'm making right now.

happy sunday!

No words, just beards.

alphabets alphabets!

SO I'm reading Mindy Kaling's book 'Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?' and I really like it.  That being said, I have a tendency to subconsciously take on the stylings of a writer that I admire, especially one whose book engages in chatty stories about oneself.  Chatty stories about oneself are my specialty!  This is a bit of a problem as it ends with me writing stories in these weird stilted ways.  You should have seen the stories I was writing after I read David Sedaris.  Really embarrassing, is what I'm saying.  Anyways, if anything I'm writing sounds like a non-English speaker attempting witty repartee whilst drunk, I apologize.*

It's Saturday night.  I'm drinking Scotch by myself at the kitchen table while blogging and waiting for my yam and carrots fries to cook.  You might just call me popular, but then you'd be an outright liar.  Actually, I am very popular with many people in Kelowna, a few people in Norway, and at least one person in Minnesota.  These are real people that I know!  They even text me sometimes.

Anyways, this whole blog post / my whole life is basically an attempt to escape writing my personal statement for law school.  I need to write one in order to get into any school other than UVic.  I can be immensely stubborn, though, and I currently REFUSE to even look at what I need to write.  Can I distract you with some jazz hands?  I think that usually works on admissions officers.  ANYWAYS this blog post is about NOTHING so thanks for everything and that is all.

jazz hands jazz hands!

*If that's what I sound like all the time anyways, then I'm really really sorry, 

CAN YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M READING

It's really, really funny.  You should buy it now.

exact moments that are really really great.

1. You know when you've cold all day, and then you get into bed and your sheets are cold?  Well, that's not an exactly great moment, but it sets you up for one.  A couple of minutes later, you're lying there all burritoed in your blankets and suddenly you wiggle your toes around and realize that hey!  Your blankets are blissfully and delightfully cozy and warm!  Being warm after being cold for a long time is really nice.

2. When you catch a glimpse of yourself in a store window reflection or something when you're out and think "TODAY is my BITCH.  I am looking goooood!"

3. When you're three-quarters of the way through a really good book.

4. When you're the most flexible person in your yoga class.  When you really connect with the chakra or whatever in yoga.  Suddenly the air is made of gold, no? Seriously you should see my wheel.

5. When you suddenly remember your dream in the middle of the day and start giggling in the grocery store or whatever.  The other night I was Selena Gomez's body guard.  All she wanted to do was buy one million dollars worth of pillows at the UBC Bookstore.  You know, as you do.

6. When you get something for free.  When I was a punky wannabe skateboarder girl-kid someone gave me their old skate-shoes and I died and went to heaven.  I wore them with everything, including skirts and dresses.  It was like having big grey eS marshmallows on my feet at all times and I fucking LOVED it.

7. When you meet a really, really fluffy dog.

8. That moment when you pass 1500 views on your blog.  Thanks, guys!  (What's up, Russia!)

WHEEE

I have this thing where I really hate packing?

Instead I just wanna:

1. Make bacon.  Preferably duck bacon 'cuz this duck bacon picture is freaking me out.  By freakin' me out, I mean enchanting me. Duck bacon is totally a thing!

2. Stalk the cute mechanic who fixed my bike the other day.  "OH SILLY ME my bike just broke AGAIN.  Probably you should fix it... WHILE DATING ME."

this is what google considers a "cute scruffy bike mechanic."

Okay I may have already tried this one but as far as I can tell he was only a figment of my imagination cuz he does not exist on facebook.  We all know that people who don't have facebook don't really exist.  So if you're him, stalking me (oh bijoux!) call me!

3. Watch 90210.  I was kind of relieved because I finished season 1 and was thereby released from the scourge of needing to watch 90210 all the time but then I just realized that all four seasons are up on netflix.  Which I steal from some dude who signed in on my computer once.  It is terrifying and exciting all at once!  72 EPISODES OF THIS:

and this:

and that's it.  The whole show is basically a montage of scrunched up faces and product placements, with a very faint semblance of plot attempting to string together the dr. pepper and t-mobile references.  (Seriously, the clunkiest product placement EVER.)

4. Consider sleeping, or something?  NAH.  I have obscure blogs to read!

This is from hyperbole and a half.  You should read everything on that website right now.

oh boy.

So I live in Victoria and I don't know anyone.  So, Friday nights entail a lot of 90210 (soapy as shit, amazing), homemade (jill-made) chili, and a lot of reading of the internet.

Things I learned tonight:

1. The plotlines on 90210 make no sense, especially when you watch like six episodes consecutively 'cause they're on netflix and they all end on such cliffhangers.  Anyways, Naomi totally hooked up with the super-hot psycho.  So, there's that.  Also, all of her acting involves crinkling her brow and making duck lips.

I see what ya did there.

2. I make damn good chili.  Seriously, y'all should hire me.  Also, chili is really easy.  Put some sour cream on that shit and you're good to go.

3. I like only adorable things.  Right now, I don't like anything sad.  Ever.  NO SADNESS and NO PAIN.  And most definitely no blood, ugh.  Give me baby animals 99% of the time and melted cheese the other 1%.

THANKS, STUPID.

4.  Ugh there are really horrible and idiotic people in the world!  People who don't use spaces after commas,like this.  People who write 'funning' instead of funny.  People who BELITTLE OTHERS FOR SPORT.  Never read the comments section, people.  OMG or do read the comments section of ANY fox news story and giggle forever.  Sort of a horrified giggle.

Seriously? It's 2011. (9 likes, wtf?!)

5. Anybody that reads this blog and that also HAS a blog should blog MORE often.  Because I am so sick of facebook I could die.  OH ALSO if someone wants to take me on a date that will be fine.  I'll be ready at eight.

HIWANNADATEME

I promise this is the cutest thing you'll see all day.

Am I right or what?